i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
