i barfeds in our rink
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
