I didn't shave. On purpose
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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