I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish I only lived at night.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
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if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
this will be a night to untag.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
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The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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