Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We need to rekindle our bromance
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Dicks are not precious.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
