"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
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Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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