I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.