How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
