Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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