someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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