my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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