Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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