Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
