She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
