Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
