I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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