oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
