never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
