legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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