Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
