I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
