Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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