I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
