i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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