my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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