Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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