I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
