but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Enjoy the penises
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
