who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
