Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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