i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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