Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
