Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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