I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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