she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
