He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
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as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
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NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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