Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
