I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
