Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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