I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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