turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
