There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
