after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
