im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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