Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
