Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
