and next time when you feel me up, do it right
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
