It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
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