Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
