my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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