Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
