Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
