OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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