R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
