I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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