is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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