My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
