Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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