"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
they need to just BURY HIM!
no. you can't hotbox the world.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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