Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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