How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
