You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
