My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Your dad touched me again.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
