I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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