Just fell off a train. Bad.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
